Esther, 13, thought things were going well at her new school since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she found out that one of them had been saying mean rumours about her. She cried herself to sleep that night and started going to the nurse's office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the girls in study hall.
Each day, 10-year-old Collins asked his mom for more and more lunch money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school hungry. It turned out that Collins was handing his lunch money to a Standard Eight pupil who was threatening to beat him up if he didn't give out the cash.
Many kids just like Collins and Esther are having a hard time at school because they’re being targeted and picked on. They are victims of bullying.
Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways. It can range from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumours about them. Others use social media to taunt others or hurt their feelings.
Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And it's not usually harmful when done in a playful, friendly, and mutual way, and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind and constant, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.
What experts say
Educationists say though it’s unfortunate some kids are bullied, it’s an unavoidable part of school life. They say this unacceptable behaviour can have a devastating effect on the victim and no child deserves to go through it. They also point out that children who are bullied are not to blame for attacks against them. Statistics also show boys are more likely than girls to be bullied in both physical and psychological ways. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars. And in extreme situations, it can involve violent threats, property damage, or someone getting seriously hurt.
Psychologists say it's important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to "tough out". The effects can be serious and affect kids' sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases, bullying has contributed to tragedies such as suicides and school shootings as witnessed in the United States several times.
Signs your child is being bullied
Your child would tell you if he's being bullied, right? Maybe not.
Children who’re embarrassed or humiliated about being bullied are unlikely to discuss it with their parents or teachers. Unless your child tells you about bullying — or has visible bruises or injuries — it can be difficult to figure out if it's happening.
But there are some warning signs:
- Unwillingness to go to school
- Feeling unwell, often with a headache
- Irritability
- Anxiety
- Aggression towards you or others in your family
- Bedwetting
- Waking in the night
- Missing or damaged belongings
Unwillingness to attend school
Melissa was so excited that her six-year-old was finally joining Standard One; she was even more excited than Logan, her son.
However, after a month in the new school, Melissa noticed her son was a little bit off. He wasn’t as excited about going to school as he was before and he was wetting the bed – a habit they had managed to quash when Logan was four. When she asked him why he doesn’t want to go to school, Logan, tearing up, said: “The kids at school call me names. They also tease me about my braces.”
Melissa did her best to reassure her son and went to address the issue with the teacher. The teacher said he’d talk to the kids bullying Logan and keep a close eye on him. “It was so heartbreaking to see my son being emotionally abused by the kids in his class. You drop your kid off to think they're in safe hands. I wish I could be there to protect him all the time.”
Sometimes, kids aren’t open with their parents about being bullied because they think they won’t be believed. Others are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their parents will be disappointed, upset, angry, or reactive.
Sabina, 35, had noticed her daughter, Kathy, 12, always came up with excuses not to go to school on PE and swimming days. “She’d feign illness on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes, she’d hide her gear and say it’s lost and can’t be allowed in school without putting it on.” Sabina found it odd because her daughter was athletic and loved outdoor activities.
She calmly asked her daughter why she didn’t want to go to school and after much coaxing admitted her classmates usually made fun of her birthmark, which was on her thigh just above the knee. “They tell me that I was kissed by the devil and don’t want to partner with me to do the PE activities.”
Vanessa, 45, says when she approached her son’s teachers about his bullying at school, one of the teachers said her son, Martin, told him: "It's OK, I'm getting used to it (the bullying).”
“That made me feel awful. It made me very angry because he shouldn’t be getting used to it. He should not be OK with it,” Vanessa says sadly. “The kids pull on his hair because he’s mixed race. One time they yanked his hair so hard that he came home bleeding. I was heartbroken when he asked me to shave his hair short so that the kids stop pulling it.”
Children are not to blame
Many victims of bullying feel like it's their own fault – that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening. Sometimes they're scared that if the bully finds out that they told it will get worse. Others are worried their parents will urge them to fight back when they're scared to.
Some forms of bullying not only affect the child but the parent too.
Audrey, 35, had to transfer her 15-year-old son to another school because she felt enough was enough. “He told me he was invited to a birthday party at Panari Sky Centre. It was a skating party. He was really excited about it. The popular boy in his class had finally invited him to his party. When we got there, there was no party. My boy had been pranked.”
Audrey explains her son’s self-esteem was affected and she also felt played. “These kids made me clear my schedule to bring my son all the way to Mombasa Road only to find no party. When I sought explanation from the boy's parents, they acted as if it wasn’t such a big deal saying 'children will always be children'. The next week at school, my kid was teased and called a snitch. He was devastated. I thought it best for him to be out of that toxic environment. “
Teach your child to speak out
If you suspect your child is being bullied, don’t ignore it.
1. Find a quiet time to talk to your child
Explain that bullying is unacceptable and no one should have to put up with it. Let your kids know if they're being bullied or harassed — or see it happening to someone else — it's important to talk to someone about it, whether it's you, another adult (a teacher, school counsellor, or family friend), or a sibling.
2. Promise to do all you can to stop it
Let someone at school (the principal, school nurse, or a counsellor or teacher) know about the situation. They are often in a position to monitor and take steps to prevent further problems.
Useful tips for the meeting:
- Give specific examples of how your child is being bullied.
- Ask what the school's anti-bullying policy is.
- Discuss what action the teacher will take.
- Arrange to meet again within two weeks to discuss the progress.
3. Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully
Advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured. Instead, it's best to walk away from the situation and hang out with others.
4. Monitor the situation
If you're unhappy with the way your child's teacher deals with the situation – either at the meeting or after the school has taken action – make an appointment to see the head teacher and go through the same process described above. You can also request that the parents of the bully be invited.
Restore your kid's confidence
Dealing with bullying can erode a child's confidence. To help restore it, encourage your kids to spend time with friends who have a positive influence. Participation in clubs, sports, or other enjoyable activities builds strength and friendships.
Provide a listening ear about difficult situations, but encourage your kids to also tell you about the good parts of their day, and listen equally attentively. Make sure they know you believe in them and you'll do what you can to address any bullying that occurs.