It’s a government conspiracy

With all the rain that’s been falling, everyone and their mama is scrambling for an explanation. How and why did “April showers” turn to “April floods”?

At least in this country, we saw what El Nino can do, but how does two years’ worth of rain fall in Dubai, a desert, in one day?

Some people are saying it’s the effects of global warming. I am aware things are changing, but I’m not smart enough to advance this theory more than Greta Thunberg or the others.

As a matter of fact, the first time I heard the name mentioned, I thought someone had discovered a new species called “Greater Thorn Bug.” If I ever meet her, I’ll apologise.

Someone on social media wondered if we weren’t looking in the wrong place instead of turning to religion. “What if this is Noah’s flood and we’re all outside the Ark?” It’s an interesting notion, and I wonder who the eight lucky sons of whatever are who are enjoying life in the big boat.

Then comes the conspiracy theories. As far as the Dubai floods are concerned, the UAE government has been involved in a technology called “cloud seeding” for more than a decade now.

This is when planes disperse chemicals called rain “seeds” that condense and form rain when there shouldn’t be any. I mean, it’s a desert country. Who would blame them, right?

Some people, including one respectable dude from the UAE’s Bureau of Meteorology, said cloud seeding might have worked all too well before the recent floods that killed more than 20 people.

Again, I’m not one to offer specifics since my chemistry ends at “Water turns to gas when heated”. Don’t dare ask me what that process is called (I wrote “osmosis” in the exam and Mr Wamae failed me). However, as far as I am concerned, there’s a very simple reason for the heavy rains right here at home. And specifically, right here in Jiji Ndogo.

Maybe I should start by apologising because I believe our small village is the main cause of all this flooding. Let me explain.

In the last few years, the government has been closing down all small police posts manned by personnel of two or less. Our Jiji Ndogo Police Post has been no exception.

Except, we’ve been coming up with all manner of ways to thwart the bigwigs and stay open. The latest was last week, when my fiancée’s mother wooed away Superintendent Chege, who had been sent to close us down.

I know what you’re wondering. What does the closure of a small police post have to do with floods? I’m getting there.

You see, I believe that finally, the government has found a way to get rid of all small posts. Last week’s rains washed our tiny building right into Jiji River and, as we speak, Jiji Ndogo Police Post is non-existent, at least physically.

Sgt Sophia, Inspector Tembo and I are still going around, rescuing people and giving all the help we can, but only in the spirit of the law. If we catch a bad guy today, we’d have to handcuff him on to our bed post, which is floating on two feet of water, by the way.

Cloud seeding, too many nyam-chom jikos, fleets of gas guzzlers on the roads… I don’t know how the government did it, but it has succeeded. To some extent. We won’t go down without a fight. If it means serving the people from tree branches…

Hold on. My wife is telling me to stop dozing on the tree and jump into the water to save an escaping jiko.