• A lot of caution in build-up to a date is thrown out the window when it comes to sex
Image: PIXABAY
Diary,
This is no longer the world of my parents. Back then, things were simpler, more straightforward. You met a girl, fell in love, confronted her father (who always resembled an ex-army man facing an enemy soldier), and you survived the trial by fire. You married the beautiful lass, settled to the mundane life of marriage, and sired a mixed-sex team of footballers.
Today, you meet Kerubo on a dating app, swipe right and begin chatting about such perspicacious topics as, “What kind of a drunk are you?” And, “If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?”
As it turns out, Kerubo is initially a rowdy (“in a fun way”) drunk, before she slumps into a blackout drunk. And any song by Nyashinski gets her world whirling. She piques my interest enough to warrant a FaceTime (she looks as pretty as her pictures) and eventually a one-on-one meet, where I find out my phone didn’t lie (you can’t be too sure in these times of filters).
She proposes a walk through the arboretum, where we discuss more poignant topics like, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is your road rage?”
Out of the blue, as we’re admiring a plant whose name I wouldn’t know to save my life, Kerubo says, “Have you ever had a menage a trois?”
I’m thinking: That’s an odd question for a first date. Or is it a trick question?
“A threesome?” I say, buying time. “I’ve come close, but the girl my girlfriend had invited never showed up.”
Kerubo brightens like the morning sun in the Harmattan. “You mean your girlfriend suggested it?”
“Yes,” I continue, compounding the lie. “She was a live wire, that one.”
“Oh my God! That’s perfect. You have to meet somebody.”
Now I’m thinking: This is too good to be true!
That’s before out of the woods struts a guy who seems straight out of an MMA gym. “Hi,” he says. “You must be Tom. I’ve heard so much about you.”
“You have?” My head is reeling. “And you are…”
“This is Onyango,” Kerubo says. “He’s my husband.”
“Wait! Your what?”
“We’re both so glad you could make it,” Onyango says. “What do you say we start with dinner? I never kiss someone I haven’t dined.”
If no one has ever witnessed a cheetah fleeing the arboretum, today they’ve seen one.