• The inmates have taken over the asylum in Dr Tom's own house
Image: PIXABAY
Diary,
Things don’t look too good for yours truly, and my state of staying single is in serious jeopardy.
My beautiful American guest, Ms Harper, just won’t take the hint that I have vowed to take my single status to the grave.
Even after employing the services of my platonic friend Shirley to pretend to be my fiancée, Harper says it’s perfectly understandable for me to have more than one wife. You know, me being African and all.
To add insult to injury, Shirley has taken a liking to Harper, and they’re now both in my kitchen, preparing dinner.
“You must learn to make chapatis,” I hear Shirley say. “Chapati and fish is his favourite dish. Weird, isn’t it?”
“I wouldn’t know,” Harper says. “Don’t they normally go together?”
“Not usually, but there’s nothing usual about our Tom. He’s cut from a very strange cloth.”
I take my drink and spy on them by the kitchen door just to see Harper elbow Shirley playfully on the ribs. “You’re telling me,” she says with a wide smile. “You know, in bed, he does some stuff I’ve never known another black man to try.”
Shirley is all shock and consternation. “Does he? So, you’ve dated other black men?”
“Just one ex. But you know what they say. ‘Once you go black, you can’t go back.’”
The women laugh as if they’ve been buddies all their lives, and not strangers who just met this evening.
“You’ll have to tell me about that bed stuff,” Shirley says in a conspiratorial tone. “Tom and I… we’ve never… you know?”
Now it’s Harper’s turn to be shocked. “You’ve never slept together?”
Shirley shakes her head. “The Lord knows I always want to. Whenever I see him, my ovaries dance, but Tom insists that I wait until we’re married.”
“He’s a chivalrous one, isn’t he? No wonder he won’t touch me either. At least not here.”
Dear reader, two things you must know. One of the women is lying, the other is mistaken.
While I’ve wanted to date Shirley ever since I met her, she wants nothing to do with that side of my life. As for Harper, the only reason I take a cold shower every evening is because she’s hell-bent on marrying me and I don’t want to encourage her.
When Shirley brings out the food, I ask her, “Why were you lying to Harper about your ovaries?”
She smiles. “Because I knew you were eavesdropping and you’re a terrible man for lying to such a sweet woman as Harper.”