•During a pre-match analysis session for an under-19s game with Norway in 2018, the former Hibernian center-half was told by one of his coaches that 18-year-old Haaland was nothing but a “big huddy”.
The teenage striker repeated that return with a bullish display against a Hibs defence consisting of Porteous and the experienced trio of Efe Ambrose, Paul Hanlon, and Lewis Stevenson.
Image: XINHUA
If anyone in Steve Clarke’s Scotland squad knows first-hand the mess that Erling Haaland can leave a defence in, it’s Ryan Porteous.
It’s just a shame the Watford centre-back wasn’t made aware of that before his first encounter with the Norwegian phenomenon.
During a pre-match analysis session for an under-19s game with Norway in 2018, the former Hibernian centre-half was told by one of his coaches that 18-year-old Haaland was nothing but a “big huddy”.
Porteous, then on loan at Edinburgh City, was also briefed that he would be facing a striker no different to the ones he played against every week in Scotland’s fourth tier. A Norwegian Rory McAllister, essentially. No offence to the lower-league legend.
“He’ll miss more than he scores,” the coach added. “Ryan, take care of him.” Ninety minutes later, Porteous and his teammates were licking their wounds after a bonkers 5-4 defeat. Haaland had scored a hat trick.
The loss ended hopes of qualifying for the Under-19 Euros in classic Scottish fashion, but that advice must get more amusing with each passing week for the 24-year-old, who now views Haaland as the best he’s faced.
A teenage ‘difference maker’ Porteous only had to wait another six months until he met Haaland again.
This time it was in Europa League qualifying as Neil Lennon’s Hibs met Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s Molde.
While the forward was leathering in goals for fun in his homeland, he was largely an unknown quantity elsewhere.
However, Porteous knew what to expect from the teenage sensation, who he hailed as having “all the attributes a striker needs”. You can rest assured the word “huddy” wasn’t used in Porteous’ lowdown to his Hibs teammates.
Lennon’s backline was given a first-leg reprieve, though, as Haaland missed the Easter Road clash due to talks over a £9m move to Red Bull Salzburg.
Even as a teenager, Haaland carried the weight of the team. That was evident in Molde’s first-leg display, with Solskjaer’s side registering just one shot on target in a drab goalless draw in Leith.
Hibs travelled to Norway with confidence, knowing that, with better finishing, they would have taken a lead with them, but that pre-match optimism took a hit when the team sheets came out.
Haaland, still in limbo over his future, had been drafted back in for Molde’s weekend league game against Valerenga, scoring twice and assisting another in a 5-1 win. The perfect warm-up.
The teenage striker repeated that return with a bullish display against a Hibs defence consisting of Porteous and the experienced trio of Efe Ambrose, Paul Hanlon and Lewis Stevenson.
Haaland’s first came from a simple back-post header, before a blistering run in behind - one we’ve become so accustomed to seeing now - resulted in him turning provider for Fredrik Aursnes.
The forward then rounded Adam Bogdan to seal a 3-0 win. Lennon’s first impression? “Wow.” The former Easter Road boss hailed Haaland as “the difference” in the tie. “You can see why he is a very sought-after player,” he added. Solskjaer echoed his counterpart.
“He has everything,” he told BBC Scotland. “He can head it, he can link play, he can be a target man. He’s got pace and energy. You could see the difference he makes.”
The night ended in defeat for Hibs, but it provided Scottish football with one of its all-time great images.
The snap of Ambrose, who was released by second-tier Greenock Morton last month, wrestling for the ball with Haaland has aged beautifully. Worthy of hanging in the Louvre.
‘It’s not all about Haaland’ “I’m wary you’re all going to go down the route of Haaland, Haaland, Haaland,” Scotland head coach Clarke told media last month. “There are lots of other players we have to deal with as well.”
We take your point, Steve. With Arsenal captain Martin Odegaard also in their ranks, Norway boast two of the Premier League’s top players.
RB Leipzig striker Alexander Sorloth, who scored 16 goals on loan at Real Sociedad during the 2022-23 season, also poses a significant threat. However, it is difficult to take your focus off the frightening prospect of facing Manchester City’s Haaland.
In the past five years, he has gone above and beyond the heights expected of him, first at Salzburg, then Dortmund, before arriving in England. At a glance, it is hard to tell the difference between his games played and goals scored columns.
His eventual move to Salzburg, where he netted an outrageous 29 goals in 27 matches, lasted just a year as Dortmund came calling with £17.1m to activate his buyout clause.
Despite the step up to a higher level, Haaland’s ridiculous scoring form continued with a staggering 86 strikes in 89 fixtures for the Bundesliga club, where the Norwegian spent two-and-a-half years before a £51.2m summer move to City last year.
A record-breaking tally of 52 goals in 53 games during his debut season in England has been integral to Pep Guardiola’s side clinching a historic treble.
While we’re at it, chuck in the 21 Norway goals in 23 caps. It all adds up to an astonishing total of 208, scored across 257 matches in senior football. Not bad for a “big huddy”.