“We live in a time when there is so much focus on romantic connections that we tend to focus less on friendships, We should learn, not just to co-exist with people, but to engage them in a meaningful way,” Dayan Masinde, a relationship expert, started off the conversation on friendships, during an interview with the Star.
“Many see friends as people to use, to reach out to only during a crisis, or people you feel obligated to interact with because you work or study with them; it is important to learn how to interact with people and form solid bonds,” he said.
What is social capital?
“Social capital is not just about having people around you when you need a loan, fundraising for a medical emergency, a wedding, or a funeral; but having a person or people that you can share the experience of life with,” Masinde said.
“It is good to not only have someone to rely on when life is hard but also someone to celebrate your wins and growth with you.”
How real does it get?
“The friendships I have had have generated a community that of course with the ‘keep alive communication’ has brought me to a room full of opportunities,” Stanley, a software engineer said.
“As a software engineer, you don’t get to get into meetings anyhow, I believe one needs the connections, at least, so my network of friends has been the gateway to professional success to me,” he said.
“Friendship does translate to professional success, when you make a healthy connection with your friends they tend to push gigs your way not just because of the excellent work you do but also because of the relationship between you.”
“There is a guy we met in campus, we used to do assignments together, we later graduated and he got a job. Upon being asked for a referral, he gave my name,” the software engineer said.
“That’s how I got myself in my previous company, of course, we outgrow some opportunities and scale to better heights at the end of it but it was worth the time,” he said.
“Most of my contracts, like 99 per cent of them, have come through my friends, so 99 per cent of my professional success has been influenced by those friendships throughout my life, from like high school,” Peter Mbiriri, another software engineer said.
“For my first job, before I joined corporate, I was just working. It was in campus, one time as I went to a shop, I found my friend who was working already. They asked me about what I have done and within like one week, he referred me to his company where I signed a contract that lasted for about two months and I was being paid well,” he said.
“After that contract, I got another that lasted for almost a year, and then after that, it led also to another job that I am currently working on. So, like, one friendship led to, like, almost four long-term jobs and some contracts.”
He said It is hard to build friendships looking at professional success, you just build friendships and from that people can see what you can deliver on specific tasks.
“Most times people try to be friends with people they think they can help them with professional success or in career but it usually doesn't work, these people who have already made it may see you're becoming a parasite to them,” Mbiriri said.
“But when you work on friendship without expecting anything, and then you prove yourself, and you don't like beg or keep on telling people you are looking for a job or have certain skills but keep showing your work without asking for anything, and keep on working on building the friendship, eventually the people around you will see what you can do,” the software engineer said.
He urged people to make sure they are relating with people who help them to grow and have already made a bit of success in the field they are aiming at and not telling them that "I'm looking for this and this because that won't be friendship. It should be friendship, purely friendship."
“Usually what happens to me, because I never share, like, with my friends that I'm looking for an opportunity, or I'm looking for a client when I post my work on my statuses, I usually don't say, guys, I'm looking for clients. If you have clients, please reach out to me. I usually show them what I have done and the successes that I have made.”
The engineer said in friendship, he usually tries to embrace a lot of professionalism when it comes to work.
“Professionalism in that if, like, we are doing business with a friend of mine, we like trying to write a contract which should be followed, like that's what will be depending on throughout the project. For example, if a deposit is to be paid at a certain time, I won't proceed with work if you're not paying the deposit money. I can't facilitate work before that, it is the guideline. The contract that we signed is the guideline,” he said.
“And after work or working like friends, doing business together, and then, like, it's on a weekend, we don't relate as colleagues or anything else. We just relate as friends. We go out, if it's like an event, we don't keep on referring to like things that we did in business, I establish boundaries,” Mbiriri said.
“Also for my clients and my business partners, they usually try to also show up for their own like in their own lives. If someone is at one event, I have to attend, even though they're just clients. I have to keep on gifting them. I usually look at which client, gave me the most profits and I gift them as I try to build a good relationship with them.”
He advised against being dependent so much on friendship for professional growth.
“Yes it can be the foundation, like personally for my professional success, but you don't keep on showing that it's the only reason for that friendship, build friendship and also build your career along the way,” Mbiriri said.
“They will meet, just ensure you're building friendships with the right people, people who inspire you to grow, people who are making it in life, not necessarily also people who are making it in life, or people who are successful, just people who are ambitious,” he said.
“Like your skills, connect with ambitious people, people who are like-minded friendship and don't be dependent so much on people and like keeping on sending your CVs to them, understanding them. Just do your work. Post your work on your statuses, and LinkedIn, and talk about your work to the general public. Your friends will spot it, and also strangers and your friends will be the ones giving referrals to their friends and their friends' friends. So build your friendship, build your career.”
An expert’s point of view
“Just like any human bond, friends are not only made but also kept. When it comes to making friends, it helps to first acknowledge the importance of not doing life alone,” Masinde said.
“One also needs to have clear values, then choose people or someone into your inner circle who aligns with those values. Making friends is give and take, to know and be known,” the expert said.
He said that embracing that thought helps to look out for the interest of your friend in the bond, not just your interest.
“Investing heavily in friendship requires commitment, emotional awareness, and the ability to nurture healthy, meaningful relationships,” Carol, a psychologist said.
She said people who wish to do so should engage with their friends fully without being distracted.
“They should allocate regular time to spend with their friends, they should genuinely support them through hard times by listening, reassuring and empathising with them,” she said.
Is it mutually beneficial or draining?
“Not everyone gets into friendships with the right motive. This is why it is important to take time to discern someone’s intentions,” the relationship expert said.
He said a healthy friendship is mutual, both parties value each other, they are proud to be each other’s friend or best friend, they willingly put in the effort and they build each other up.
“ A draining friendship tends to be one-sided in terms of meeting one party’s needs or accommodating only one party’s views,” he said.
“In a draining friendship, you feel the so-called friend only looks for you when they need a favour, manipulates or guilt trips you into doing things for them, seeks to change you to their own preference.”
What does a psychologist say?
“Friendship is a profoundly vital component of psychological well-being,” Carol said.
She said social capital is built on the quality and quantity of connections, whether with family, friends, colleagues, or the broader community.
“As this is true, it’s correct to say that social capital refers to the resources and benefits individuals gain from their social relationships and networks,” she said.
“The benefits may vary from access to emotional support, informational, and material support.”
The expert said social capital just like every other thing has two sides to it;
“While social capital increases resilience among people who’ve built strong connections with trusted people, it also creates exclusion and inequality as people outside those networks may face barriers to support, resources and opportunities,” Carol said.
“While connections in professional networks can open doors to new opportunities, it also creates over-reliance on networks and those outside the networks get left out on roles that may have suited them if not for the group bias.”
Professional and personal relationship balance
“Balance cannot exist without boundaries. They can be enforced by knowing where to place someone,” Masinde said.
“Another way of setting boundaries is allocating specific time for the friendship, and communicating what time you will have to leave. A true friend will appreciate this.”
“Understanding your friends’ experiences enhances your emotional intelligence and empathy for others,” the psychologist said.
Endnotes from the experts
“Friends can be a special addition to our life story, bringing value, not only to us but also to our business, “ the relationship expert said.
“Friends can stretch and challenge us to be better, bring to our attention our blind spots, expose us to new knowledge and insight and inform us of opportunities.”
“We develop coping strategies against life's diversities thanks to friends who help us navigate challenges and process difficult emotions. Understanding your friends’ experiences, enhances your emotional intelligence and empathy for others,” the psychologist said.
