A few years ago when I was a teenager, I overheard two adults discussing the rise of a public figure. She had just been appointed to a top state office and was the talk of town. In their concluding remarks, one of the adults said despite her accomplishments, she was a single mother and thus "maneno yake hayako straight (her matters aren’t in order)".
As I have grown older, I have heard many such sentiments, and even worse ones, about single women. One time, in a group setting, an acquaintance remarked that “a single woman with a child(ren) is like land that has issues, you avoid it!” Others in the group laughed, noting that the metaphor was ‘hilarious’ but ‘very accurate’.
It was one of those surprising but not shocking moments because such sentiments and attitudes are rife in society. The shaming of single mothers is largely normalised.
Ironically, each year many Kenyans celebrate Mother’s Day. It is rather ironic because if many Kenyans celebrate mothers, then the stigma against single mothers should not be prevalent. But, alas, we can both shame and celebrate mothers in almost equal proportions.
The reality is, there are many single mothers among us. The Kenya National Bureau of Statistics estimated that the number of households headed by single mothers was on the rise and as of 2019, it was at 40 per cent.
The UN reports that globally, there are more than 100 million single mothers. You, dear reader, probably know one single mother or two, or more. And you, or someone you know, have probably formulated theories of your own about them, without knowing their story. True, or actually very true?
Why do people still take pride in stigmatising someone who brought life to this world and is taking responsibility for it? Does this stigma happen deliberately or subconsciously? There are many reasons why women end up as single mothers, but why is society inclined to assume the worst and, often, (im)moral scenario?
Who are we often celebrating on Mother’s day, just married mothers? Isn’t a good part of society being raised by single mothers? Does that part of society matter? Why would some adults conclude that accomplished women whom they barely know have questionable characters because they are single mothers?
Above all, given the stigma, should women then abandon their children when they discover they are going to be single mothers? What about single fathers, are they more acceptable? Equally stigmatised?
Nonetheless, I do acknowledge that in some instances, choosing to not want romantic associations with single parents is a matter of preference. Understandably, some do not want children, or they do not want to deal with the drama that sometimes comes with baby daddies/mamas, or whatever legitimate reason there may be.
Yet preferences don’t have to result in stigmatising a whole faction of women who ended up in circumstances that, most of the time, they never wished for. Good people, it is possible to prefer sukuma wiki without trashing managu.
Single motherhood is not a crown of victimhood, nor is it an achievement that should be romanticised. In fact, when the rubber hits the road, it is very difficult to raise a child(ren) alone and it is true that two hands are better than one. I am arguing that single motherhood is not a mark of failure and does not deserve the shame thrown at it.
In conclusion, dear society; dear women, men and everyone, reset your minds. Take positive steps to recognise the negative biases in you. You can start by resetting your mind to think of single mothers as worthy human beings, not ‘spoiled goods’; human beings who are taking responsibility.
Every time you see a single mother, remember you do not know why she is one, and even if you do, you still have no right to stigmatise her. I hope you remember that you can prefer sukuma wiki without trashing managu. You can help reduce this stigma. And to single mothers out there, keep going, we see you, and we appreciate you.
Budding lawyer. [email protected]
