Are you a victim or have your thoughts given you a victim mentality? Almost everybody has been the victim of something or other, but having a victim mentality hinders one's prospects of material success and overall happiness.
Convinced that they cannot change anything, persons with a victim mentality blame external forces for all the bad things they fall into. In school, a student will blame the teachers, the environment, parents and even fellow students for failing every examination.
At work, a victim mentality manifests in blaming workmates, bosses and tools for non-performance. By shifting blame elsewhere, persons with a victim mentality cannot engage in self-improvement.
Due to negativity and self-defeating behaviours, a victim mentality is bad for relationships. Romantic partners, family and friends may get emotionally exhausted by the person exhibiting victimhood, who constantly whines about the unfairness of life.
For sure, many people have genuinely suffered as victims of crime, accidents, natural disasters, war and disease. What's the difference between being a victim and having a victim mentality?
The Berkeley Well-Being Institute describes a victim as someone who has been through an experience or multiple experiences widely regarded as abusive or unjust. These could be in the form of an injury, loss or unfortunate event.
On the other hand, people with a victim mentality may or may not have gone through any traumatic event but have exaggerated perceptions of themselves as victims.
Beth Birenbaum of the Berkeley Institute says that though real experiences can contribute to developing a victim mentality, that is not always the case. Many actual victims do not succumb to victimhood. A lot of people who have been through real trauma prefer not to identify with those experiences.
"Many of us experience trauma without thinking bad things will always keep happening or that nobody can be trusted. With a victim mentality, it (victimhood) has become part of your identity," Birenbaum says.
Convinced that they cannot change anything, persons with a victim mentality blame external forces for all the bad things they fall into
ATTENTION SEEKING
Some psychologists have suggested that living in victimhood is a way of evading responsibility, receiving attention and avoiding genuine anger. People prone to feelings of victimisation tend to have low self-esteem, feel pessimistic about life and suffer from guilt, shame, blame and self-pity as explained by Prof Manfred Kets de Vries of the Insead Institute.
"Some of these individuals tend to catastrophise situations, which can lead to aggression or violence directed at their perceived perpetrators," de Vries says.
"They may justify their immoral actions as punishment for harm done to them or rationalise it by saying that it is to prevent a similar situation from happening again."
Quite often, people with a victim mentality feel alienated and disillusioned with the world, believing that everyone is out to get them. They think that harm inflicted on them is undeserved and unjustified.
De Vries believes it is possible to change one's mindset from victimhood to empowerment. For this to happen, the affected individual must recognise that victimhood is self-sabotaging and a source of perpetual misery.
"From there, they may discover that they have the power to choose their responses, act on their problems and cease being a victim," the professor says.
According to Psychology Today magazine, people with a victim mentality desire recognition. They want their feeling of victimisation to be seen and recognised. They have little empathy or concern for the suffering of others because they see their victimhood as greater than the suffering of everyone else. This creates a tendency towards entitlement, that is, acting selfishly towards others while ignoring their pain or experience.
Yet another important characteristic of victim mentality is rumination. This is the tendency to remain fixated on the times, ways and relationships in which they felt victimised or exploited.
Some counsellors believe that the victim mentality is "disempowering" and that each person has the power to change his or her life but the initiative must come from within. Dr Steve Maraboli, author of the book "Unapologetically You," argues that victimhood blinds individuals to the blessings of the day, thus poisoning their minds.
"The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realise that the situation is over, you cannot move forward," he advises in his book.
REAL VICTIMS
All this talk about moving on should not in any way diminish the hurt felt by legitimate victims of crime, trauma, domestic violence, financial losses and betrayal. For example, survivors of traumatic events may experience recurrent memories of the incident, sleep disturbances, feelings of alienation, emotional numbing and other anxiety-related symptoms. Crime victims must also contend with society's tendency to blame them for the crime, which worsens the trauma of the event.
The Royal College of Psychiatrists acknowledges that it takes time for people to recover from traumatic events. "Try not to put pressure on yourself to feel better straight away," reads part of a fact sheet from the institution.
People recover and react to the same events in different ways. Try not to compare your recovery to someone else's. If you feel able to support others who have been affected by the event, then that can be helpful, too. Talking about the event and your feelings can help you to be more resilient.
Prof De Vries of the Insead Institute suggests forgiveness as the first step of emerging from victimhood. Forgiveness does not exonerate whatever the perpetrators have done but it gives individuals the strength to move beyond the pain they have experienced.
"Wouldn't it be much more constructive to build on these traumatic experiences to become a better person and create a more positive and hopeful attitude to life?" the professor asks.
