Diary,
I once read about what I considered the most ridiculous invention ever, called the “Water Collection Umbrella”.
Basically, it’s an umbrella that curves upwards like a bowl. Thus, water pools inside, flows down a pipe and ends up in a reservoir (like a mtungi) carried by the person under the umbrella. I mean, why not kill two birds at the same time, right? Wrong!
Then I was even more baffled when I came across something called “Finger Mill”. If you guessed that it’s a tiny treadmill on which you exercise your fingers, kudos to you. Why on Earth anyone would think there was such a dire need for one to exercise two fingers at a time, is beyond me.
As if contraptions can’t get weirder, I get slapped in the face with something called “FUD”, and unfortunately, this time I don’t merely read about it; I witness the gadget live in person. Allow me to elucidate.
I met Jeanine at a colleague’s birthday party. (One more thing that will forever perplex me. Birthdays, not Jeanine. Not then, at least). Why anyone would celebrate a day on which they achieved nothing but only passed from obscurity to existence, is beyond me.
Anyway, like my last few dates (before the rains found their way back), Jeanine billed herself as the athletic type and proposed (rather insisted, actually) that we jog around the park for our first date. Why anyone would think jogging is… Argh! Why bother.
Curious to see how her body would perform in other departments, I donned my leotard and running shoes and joined her at a Karura Forest trail. At first, everything went well. That is, if you discount my pathetic gasping as I tried to keep up with a woman almost 10 years my junior, and her pitiful laugh at how pathetic I looked. To slow things down, I suggested we take a bathroom break.
Being a full-blooded male, I merely pivoted away from the trail, whipped out my penis and began doing my business against a bush. Unfazed, Jeanine joined me, whipped out her penis and began doing her business against the bush. Startled beyond words, I swung towards her, soaking her lower leg with pee.
“What the hell!” she cried, jumping away.
“What the hell?” I cried back. “Ouch!” I screamed after catching my Johnson on the zipper.
“What’s got your knickers in such a bundle?”
“Oh nothing. Only the fact that I thought you were a woman.”
“I am a woman.”
“Since when do women have dicks?”
Laughing, she pulled down her tights a bit. “This isn’t a penis. it’s a FUD.”
“A what now?”
“A Female Urination Device. I wear it so I can pee standing. Like you. This one’s the Tinkle Belle model. Best one I’ve tried to date.”
I took off running, and she never caught me by the time I got to my car.