• Bachelor is not allowed to even joke about the folly of the situation
Image: PIXABAY
Diary,
As you might know, the now wrongly named Perpetual Bachelor is on the brink of abandoning his long-held stance on marriages and trudge down the aisle with a beautiful American fox called Harper.
But she has a strict line-up of demands for the wedding (vows at a castle, a rare wedding gown from Italy, etc) that I need to not only comply with, I have to make them come true.
Today she drops a new gem on me.
“I want to go on TV before the wedding,” she says.
My jaw falls to the floor. “You what?”
“Say yes to the dress.”
“What are you talking about? I already said yes to your Italian dress, haven’t I?”
“Not that, silly. It’s the name of a show. Say yes to the dress. A camera crew follows me around as I go on a hunt for the perfect dress.”
Now I’m confused. “But you already know what your perfect dress is. You’ve known that since you were 16.”
“Twelve, but that’s not the point. It’s the experience. You think all those women on the show have no preconceived notions in their mind?”
I shrug. “Isn’t that how ‘reality’ is supposed to work?”
She laughs. “Honey, I think you have no idea how reality shows work. If they are even 20 per cent real, then I’m Colonel Sanders and my favourite snack is a McMuffin.”
“One, you lost me after snack, and two, are you supposed to be talking to the dress?”
She looks stunned. “What do you mean by that?”
“‘Say yes to the dress.’ Sounds to me like the dress asks you stuff and you’re supposed to say ‘yes’.”
Her brows shoot up. “You can’t be serious.”
“I mean, think about it. What if it’s a psycho dress and it asks you to kill me. Will you say yes?”
“You’re joking, right?”
“What if you reject one dress and it tells you to call off the wedding? Wouldn’t that be devastating?”
Her face changes to one I’m truly not fond of and she wags a finger my way. “I see what you’re doing. You’re not taking this seriously. You think it’s stupid, don’t you?”
“No, I think it’s too much. Why can’t we just have a simple wedding? At the courthouse with a few family and friends, a simple reception, a sumptuous honeymoon for you and me...”
“Okay, honey.” She pats my cheek and kisses me lightly on the lips. “This is what we’ll do. I’ll run your bath then go to the kitchen and prepare supper. Hopefully, I’ll manage to assume that you didn’t just say what you just said.”
And with that, she sashays off towards the bedroom.
This is what being married is, right?