In case you aren’t familiar with him, Mwenda is our resident “mad man” in Jiji Ndogo. In my opinion, though, based on my interactions with him, describing him as mad is somewhat of a misnomer.
When not collecting garbage for no apparent reason or eating out of a garbage can, Mwenda often comes up with very lucid arguments that beat the logic of how his mind is supposed to work. And this time, he has a new take on recent world events.
“Aliens?” I say, thinking this is far-off even for him. “What about them?”
“They’re responsible for everything, you see. Otherwise, how do you explain the explosion of tech in the last 50 years?”
As usual, Mwenda has me at a disadvantage. Being of a so-called “sane” mind, I take most things for granted.
For instance, every time I use my smartphone, which is a cheap model and not quite that smart at times, I don’t pause to think that only 20 years ago, people were using phones that resembled large bricks that had to sit on a table at home. Or that some Kenyans thought vehicles with automatic transmission were almost otherworldly.
“And now,” Mwenda continues, “they’re swooped down for the kill.”
“The aliens, you mean?” I ask, for lack of a better rejoinder.
“And those in power know it, too.”
“About the aliens coming to kill us? How do you figure?”
He leans in and whispers as if about to share a deep secret. “You know America is burning down, right?”
I’ve seen something about wildfires in the US, but I didn’t think it was that bad. The question is, how does Mwenda even know about it? “Not the whole of it, is it?”
Mwenda sucks air in and rolls his eyes. “Makini, for a man of the law, you can be quite a dunderhead, you know? Everything starts small before it spreads. Even rumours.” He smiles coyly. “Do you know why America is burning?”
“I’ve heard of stuff like climate change. I’m not as dunder as you might think I am.”
“You think knowing about climate change makes you smart? What would you say if you solved the neutrino mass problem?”
This, I think, I can argue for. “You know what Mwenda, you’re right. The problem of mass nutrition is man-made and can be solved. All that hunger in Ethiopia? I hear European countries can solve it in a jiffy just by providing their wasted food.”
Mwenda shakes his head. “A mind is such a terrible thing to waste, and I’m glad they didn’t waste on you. Anyway, the reason America is burning is because they are the so-called ‘civilised world’. They don’t have our problems. Fires in America are the equivalent of corruption in Africa; it’s what keeps the ordinary man down.”
“That may be so, but what has any of that got to do with aliens?”
“Why do you think the rich politicians are lining their pockets? Soon, the aliens will give earthlings a choice: leave Earth or burn down with it. Those with the means will just fly off in a rocket.”
He
removes a piece of paper from the inner folds of his dirty rumpled suit. I
recognise it as a receipt from Mla Chake shop. Waving the paper in my face, he
says, “Unlike losers like you, I already have my ticket to Mars.”
“You’re off
to Mars?” I snigger.
“Not today, stupid. Ill board one of the
President’s jets.”
