• Taste of vanilla in America leads to musings on masculinity and femininity
Image: PEXELS
I like it when he looks at me. I wonder if he is ever thinking what I’m thinking, or even feeling close to what I’m feeling. I like looking at him, stealing little glances here and there, because it’s too risky to let anyone know. There’s too much at stake to let my weak knees give out.
I like it when he smiles, it awakens the misfit in me. I like to imagine that one day, I’ll get to feel his lips on my lips, I want to taste his Superman smile. I keep wondering if he looks at me like that because he wants me, too. The risk is intoxicating.
I have a crush on a 20-something-year-old who is a student at my campus. Without giving too much away, I want to have his babies and at one point, I genuinely believed he was my husband. He’s got that Superman smile complimented by Superman arms tied perfectly with his Superman walk. Aargh, the boy is a work of art. I am deluded, but it works for me.
The riskiest thing about this is not our age difference — I like that he’s younger — it’s my work. Not only am I in a position of ‘power’ but I’m also in an institution that has structured morality. Which is hard because I believe that morality is highly subjective, and I really want to smash my face on his face. With consent, of course. I cannot, therefore, I have not.
My dating experiences have been mostly vanilla over the past few years. I currently live in the middle of nowhere along the Bible Belt, so you know colour is a limited option. I like white men, though; they have the privilege of experiencing a softer version of masculinity. I’ve always found that my feminine side struggled to show herself when dating Kenyan men. I have needed my masculine to shield me from the hardness of their masculine. My divine feminine crumbled when she tried.
There is this rigidity in most of their masculinity that makes it hard to be in my soft feminine. Remember toxic masculinity preys on anything it considers weak, and it considers femininity weak. It makes it hard to relax in love and allow yourself to lead with your divine feminine. However, experiencing white men has allowed me to trust and be comfortable in my feminine. This does not mean their masculinity is better or less toxic, but it’s softer, and that’s easier to navigate.
I’ve had this insane crush on the tall, handsome and pale risk for a couple months now, but I think the delusion of having his babies is watering down. A couple of weeks ago, I met a man who's continually allowed me to rest in my feminine. It’s beautiful and I’m happy. We can’t always have what we want, which is why life always gives us what we need. My man is twice as old as my crush because if you can’t have them, you can always have their dads. Lol.