• In my mind, I have the power and ability to create bliss and chaos
Image: PEXELS
I’m currently in a very transitional period of my life. I am in the literal depths of adulting and sometimes, when I am in the woods, hiding from humanity and adulting, I wonder who put me in charge.
I am charged with the chance to author a new life, in a new place, with new people and new experiences. My mortal self is anxious and scared, but these are feelings I allow to find a home within me because I know all they need is safety and reassurance. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel them.
For some time, I had found comfort in the fact that I wasn’t in charge, God, the Heavenly ‘Father’, was. Then I had a spiritual awakening, or I am having a gradual spiritual awakening that’s waking me up to the fact that maybe, in my own right, I am a god.
Not the god that Zaccheus the tax collector asks you to pray to when the country is faced with a crisis, and not your God. I imagine someone reading this and screaming bloody blasphemy, but I digress.
I am a god in the sense that every day is a cycle of me making choices that ripple into consequences that shape and determine the quality and quantity of life that I live. I am a co-creator in my own destiny, which has made it less comforting for me to say that ‘God is in control’ because I am a god. So that means that even when I have no idea what I am doing, I am still creating realities that I am then required to exist in.
So, this means that in my mind, my body and my spirit, I have the power and ability to create bliss and chaos. Yet the human experience has made this simple concept so complicated that trauma is the instrument that leads most of us to knowing God, which means knowing ourselves. Which means a huge chunk of us are walking around unaware. Like little hamsters on a wheel, just going through the motions of life.
I find myself mostly in the woods because it’s the one place I can escape the literal hell that we call earth. I spend hours in solitude, living life away from the social constructs that force us to spend our lives chasing that which we have the innate ability to create at a moment’s notice.
I have become addicted to solitude. I have become addicted to the version of myself that is present when the world is silent and far. I try to carry her with me, reminding myself to come back to the present and live here, away from consequences of the past and worries of the future. The present is such a godly place, and I think this is where all the gods live.