When it comes to the institution of marriage (or dating in general), I ascribe to the more traditional values. A man provides for and protects his family, an art young men my age have abandoned. Even in my situation, where my fiancée Sgt Sophia is more adept with a weapon than I am, I take it upon myself to play the shield between her and any fathomable danger.
It is, therefore, extremely shameful that I find myself utterly helpless when a man puts a knife to Sophia’s throat at the corridors of Kericho Family Courts. We’d come here to elope, only to find that the judge is friends with Sophia’s mother and the two have conspired to have Sophia marry the judge’s son, whom we have nicknamed “Mr Smiley Face”. Sophia sticks with me, but on our way out, a man threatens us with a knife, asking us to lead him to the judge’s chambers.
And so, here we are.
“What’s this all about?” Judge Wetang'ula says, standing up.
“Sit down or I slice this nice lady’s throat,” says our kidnapper.
Wetang'ula obeys. “What do you want?”
“Allow me, judge,” says Mrs Kali, Sophia’s mother. “Young man, whatever your problem is, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
“Flies? Vinegar?” The man makes a face. “What are you jabbering about, old woman?”
“Old woman?” Mrs Kali looks ready to pounce. “Who’re you calling old woman?”
Wetang'ula looks up at her. “I don’t think your particular tactic is working.”
Mrs Kali rolls up her sleeves. “Oh, no. He’s gone and made it personal.”
“Oh, now it’s personal?” Sophia asks. “He has a knife to my throat. How much more personal can it get?”
“Stay out of this, dear,” her mum says. “This is between me and the rude young man.”
“How can she stay out of it?” I shout. “Do you see the knife on her throat?”
“You shouldn’t even be talking. If not for you, none of this would be happening.”
“Me?” I look around incredulously. “What did I do?”
“If you had let my daughter marry the right man, we’d be home now. Celebrating.”
“Enough!” bellows the man with a knife. “This is about none of you. It’s between me and Judge Loser here.”
“Wait a minute!” Wetang'ula half-rises, and flops back into his seat. “I don’t even know you.”
“Of course, you don’t. But that didn’t stop you from yanking my family away from me, did it?”
“You’ll have to do better than that, son.”
“Are you hard of hearing? You gave custody of my kids to my floozy of a wife.”
“And this is how you’ve chosen to fight it?” Mrs Kali laughs. “No wonder they took your kids.”
“Would you just shut up?” my mouth says before I can stop it.
Mrs Kali turns towards me, her eyes shouting bloody murder. “What did you say to me?”
“I’m—I’m sorry?”
She screws her eyes. “Wait a darned minute. Since when did you get the balls to talk to me that way? You arranged this, didn’t you?”
“Arranged what?” I, Wetang'ula and Sophia chorus.
“Well, it’s obvious.” Mrs Kali passes eyes around the room. “You came in here with the pretext of a kidnapping so you can force the judge to preside. You, with the knife, how much did this loser promise to pay you?”
The man thrusts the knife at her. “I swear if you don’t shut up, I’ll—”
Mr Smiley Face screams something in Japanese and karate-kicks the man in the head. Sophia runs over and hugs him, and I wish the ground would open and swallow me whole.
