What men think to be a good lover in sex (good in bed) is different from what women want. Men are flooded with information that is not true. Many content creators give this content because it’s what men are looking for.
It is just assumptions that men have, and everybody is feeding them these assumptions because they want clicks and money. Then women continue to struggle, leading to disconnections, miserable sex, unsatisfying sex to the point of desensitising their body out of being treated like an object.
1. Lasting longer during intercourse
Being a ‘good performer’ is not about setting a stopwatch. A partner who focuses purely on lasting a long time often misses the core elements of great sex, which are going to make you an amazing lover.
If you have extreme premature ejaculation, then it will affect her. You need to fix this, of course, but this idea in general that men are flooded with, with online coaches telling you that you are only good in bed if you last longer, is absolutely misleading.
This obsession has no relation with women’s reality. Women don’t see duration as an important thing, or as the best thing in sex. They want you to last longer in all other processes; for example, foreplay and outercourse in sex. But men just want to last longer in penetration.
Everything you do with her body — turning on, seduction, foreplay, loving her body — should last longer. Focusing on lasting longer only in penetration does not make good sex for her but tedious, boring intercourse. It just makes her numb, looking forward to ending the session. She doesn’t want longer intercourse; she wants good intercourse to make her vagina feel good.
2. Multiple ejaculations
Being a great partner is about attentiveness, skill and mutual enjoyment. A man who ejaculates once but ensures the entire experience is deeply satisfying and fun for his partner is vastly better in bed than someone who ejaculates three times but is checked out or purely focused on his own performance. One highly connected, passionate encounter, where both partners feel deeply satisfied, is almost always preferred over a marathon session focused on hitting a physical milestone. Men focusing only on multiple ejaculations make women feel treated like an object, unloved, not cared for, used and disrespected.
3. Making her orgasm or squirt
Focusing on orgasm only makes you miss the opportunity to create good, nourishing sex and limits your sex life. Completly let go of the idea of orgasm. Orgasms are not bad; they are just a negative if you give them more attention.
Focusing on your partner's orgasm is a fantastic trait, and being able to help a woman reach climax is definitely a key part of being a great lover. However, defining a ‘good performer’ solely by whether or not a woman orgasms can actually create a lot of unintended pressure for both parties. And you can be frustrated because orgasms can be affected by a woman’s mindfulness, hormones and other factors beyond your control.
The reality of sexual satisfaction is less about achieving a specific end goal and more about the overall experience.
4.Big penis
When it comes to good sex, things like communication, connection and technique matter far more than size. Techniques like shallowing, angling and pairing are more important and satisfying to a woman irrespective of the size. I have expounded on this in my e-book, Real king between the sheets, on Amazon.
While the media often exaggerates the importance of a ‘big penis’, real-world satisfaction tells a very different story. The most sensitive part of the vagina is the outer third, including the clitoris, which holds thousands of nerve endings. Deep penetration from a very large size isn't necessary for pleasure and can actually cause physical discomfort or pain for many partners.
Three techniques are important in sex for you to be an amazing lover: physical technique, emotional technique and mindfulness. I will share details in my subsequent articles.
Dagitari Waruinu is a sexologist
Contact: 0745506140
Social media handles: @Dagitariwaruinu
